I'm Just Your Broken Toy
by Hiyame
Summary: A depressing Ruwalk Alfeegi fic that I typed up late at night. It takes place after Feegi dies, just Ru talking to his corpse.


I'm Just Your Broken Toy

A/N: Okay, I promised myself that I'd get this done in less than an hour, so let's get started. Now then, this is a moderately short Ruwalk/ Feegi. Yeah... dances Oh, and it's a little bit... off. I haven't brought myself to be able to find out the particulars of 'Feegi's death, 'cause it makes me cry. Soooooo... it's a little different, well a lot different, but I care not. nod In my mind, this is one of the MANY ways that it happened. A moderately depressing (okay, not really moderately) fic based around the mental picture in my head. Ruwalk sitting next to Alfeegi's dead body, holding his hand. He's going slightly crazy, rambling about how he's always loved 'Feegi, and all these things, constantly referring to how the person he's talking to is dead. Then, about hurt he is because he realized that he wasn't loved in return, and he's just a toy to him and the world. Then, him begging Alfeegi you to return from the dead. It's sad to me, at least.

00

For so long, I've felt something for you. I've never really had a name for it, because I didn't understand or know what it was. I used to follow you around the castle, even though you didn't know that I was there. You may think that's creepy, but it's really not. Not if you're me. If I ever thought that you knew I was there, I'd just leave. I didn't feel bad about it at the time. But, I messed up bad this time, and I'm so sorry. I should have stayed. I should have been there... but I wasn't. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

It really started, I think, years ago. I can't really remember the exact day. But, who really remembers the day anymore, anyway? I was sitting in the library, and you were there as always. I had been watching you since you got here, and I didn't know why. I couldn't really talk to you, because you always got angry whenever someone distracted you from whatever task you were doing at the time. You always assumed that I was an accomplice to one of Rath's or Kai-Stern's crazy schemes. I always said that I was, and that they made me do whatever it was you accused me of. Of course I lied. Can't you tell? Why wouldn't I? Am I supposed to tell you that I was just there to see you? I couldn't handle your laughter, you buried so deep in your denial.

How do you convince a person who has given up on themselves, that no one else has? How do you convince them that someone believes in them? You can't, you have to lie. I had to lie to you, you wouldn't have ever believed the truth. But, I guess my lie's don't matter, do they now? You can't even hear me. A corpse can't hear anything.

I was in the library, watching you. And you looked up, and saw me. I tried to hide, but you were too quick. You probably already knew that I was there, and was trying to catch me by surprise. I thought for sure that you were going to yell at me, or something. But, you just smiled at me. The first time that I ever saw you smile, and one of the last. I watched you for a while longer, wondering why I felt so warm and comfortable when I sat there, in that seat in the back, and watched you work. I didn't understand then. I really wish that I had understood then. Now it's too late, isn't it? Does that dead brain understand what I'm saying? Does that blood-soaked tongue yearn to answer me, or is it too cold to move? Do your empty eyes see me? Do they!

It's strange that the longest talk that I've ever had with you is right now. But, you can't tell me to go away right now, can you? If you were alive you would. I know that because I know you. I know you better than you do. That's because you look at yourself a certain way, but I see you as you are. The most gorgeous creature to ever come into being. But you hate yourself, and you always have, haven't you? You couldn't stand it when someone was kind to you, because you didn't think that you deserved it. But you did, that and so much more.

I figured it out a while ago, so be proud of me. I did what you said that I never could do: I did something on my own. I didn't go crying for help, I didn't put it off, I didn't make up an excuse to not do it. I worked so hard. Harder than I ever thought I could. I tried so hard to understand in time. I figured out that I love you. See, aren't you proud of me, I did it. I finally understand. Why aren't you proud of me?

I wanted to tell you, I wanted to so badly. But, I was so scared. I knew that you'd hate me. I know that you hate me. But, I wanted to be yours, even if you never wanted to be mine. I wanted to hug you, just to hold you. That's all I wanted, to feel you're warmth. But you're so cold now, so cold. You're beautiful warmth is gone, that small flicker of life has been extinguished, and now you're empty. They reduced you to nothing but an empty shell. How could you let that happen? I know you're smarter and stronger than that! I know you wouldn't let them just turn you into nothing! Why did you let them near you? You let them close to hurt you, didn't you. That's the only reason you ever let anyone near you was to hurt you. You wanted this.

I just wanted to love you, just wanted you to see yourself as you really are. If not to love me, than to love yourself. But, you thought that I would stay blind. You thought that I couldn't see her. Thought that I couldn't see the devil they sent to seduce you from life. Why? Why did you let her close, looking for something other than pain? I was waiting, waiting on the side, just waiting for you to reach out to me. Until you needed me. But, you reached right past me, reaching for her. You think that I didn't see the way you smiled with her, the way you loved her? Why was I the only one to see? Did you create this torture just for me? Am I just your broken toy, tossed aside for the next thing to come along? A charity gift, ready to be donated at the first chance you had?

Did you die to punish me? For seeing you with her? I didn't mean to see, didn't want to see. You made me see all the things I didn't want to. I don't deserve your punishment! Stop punishing me! Stop pretending like you can't hear and answer me! You can't be dead, I won't let you punish me...

I hurt so bad, I had to leave. I should have gone for help, but I couldn't see through the tears. The shame and pain of being tossed aside. I came back later, but it was too late. You just gave me some errand and sent me away. God forbid you spend your last moments with me instead of her. I was unworthy. Or was I just receiving the next part of my punishment? I should have gotten help, but I didn't. It's... it's my fault your dead.

I'm talking to you, but you don't hear. You just lay there and bleed. Even your blood is beautiful. I hate you for your beauty. I hate you for making me love you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for existing. But, please don't leave me. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to love you. I'm so sorry that I love you. You can't just leave me like this. Please... don't go...

A/N: sniff Okay, yep. I'm crying now. tear


End file.
